Boo,
I haven’t seen my face in the mirror from a long time now. I see it and the reflection is crying all the time. Sunken eyes. Red. Tears streaming down. Dull skin. I seriously have never seen myself like that. A sad, scared, pathetic and lost woman who can’t recognize her own reflection. A woman with nothing in this world. A woman who lost all her essence after you left her. I am losing my hair too. Severe hairfall. As it turns out this is a common outcome of severe trauma. I wish you could see me right now. I would walk past you and you won’t recognize me. Well i don’t wish that you see me right now. I don’t know what i would do if i see you now. I would cry my eyes out for sure and then well i don’t know, too many emotions. My health is deteriorating too. The mental stress and trauma is manifesting in my body creating health issues now. Went to see a doctor and he warned me about a few things.
You remember how much i cared about health and healthy eating. Regular exercise and checking my protein intake. They are all in the past now. I can’t even walk for 5 minutes in the park without feeling like dying. Don’t worry i am not telling you all these to get sympathy or to make you feel bad. I know you don’t feel bad and thinks it’s my entire fault so there is no point. I am just saying all these things to show you that this is not what i wanted. This was never my intention. I wish we would have fought to turn this around. I wish we were the masters of our life. Wish you would stand next to me to decide our own fate and worked on this. Why do i keep doing this to myself? A constant loop of thoughts trying to make you understand. I love you and i cannot get over it.
I know you love me. I know this. I know you are staying away thinking time will pass and we will forget each other. I know you are doing this because everyone is telling you that this is right. Everyone is saying that it’s good that this happened before marriage. Everyone is making you understand how it is not meant to be and that this relationship would have gone down the drain no matter what. Same thing is happening to me. Everyone is telling me the same thing too. I want to ask them — Did they spend every second of these 3 years with us? Were they present when we used to look in each other’s eyes and confessed our love? Were they present when we made all those promises and planned our future? Were they present when leaving you after spending time with you would rip my heart out on my way home? Were they present when your little quirks and my little quirks would make us laugh like anything? Have you heard the expression ‘too many cooks ruin the dish’? Yeah that’s exactly what happened in our case. It was us. Always remember — Us. I always used to say ‘boo everything is going smoothly what if it gets jinxed?’ You were always like ‘we will take care of it. Nothing can come between us.’ What happened boo?
I get it that you were worried how i will adjust with your family since you told them this. You were worried i will or they will not be comfortable after this glitch. You were told i will not feel the respect or will resent you after a while. Do you think i am a child? Do you think i didn’t think of all this? Do you think if i couldn’t handle it, i would be trying so hard? Here also you decided without including me. You gave up boo. You gave up on us. I have witnessed couples going through so much worse but the love always wins and when people around them see that they are happy then families unite in the most beautiful way. Even the bond gets stronger. A few months of discomfort over a lifetime of loss. Yes, it is a lifetime of loss for me at least. I love you enough to say that confidently. You can ask me after 10 years and i will say the same thing. Put an alarm and bring it on, i will wait.
You know i keep on creating these fake scenarios in my head where you understand the gravity of my love and you come back. We decide to fight for our love and you with all your wordily charm wins over everyone. You show the world that you give the love of your life a chance because we decide to fix it. You show everyone how much i mean to you. We together show everyone what love actually is and how we worked on it instead of giving up which is a trend these days. Like old souls we are inseparable. Like a love so pure that conquers all fear. You and I sipping coffee in your room that you made for us and i complain ‘it’s cold’ while finishing it. You just smile. You asking me what i want to eat. Me hating that 7 pm deadline wishing it never comes. Showers. Blended bliss coffee. Kissing your face. Scratching your beard. Caressing your hair. All those future plannings. The rings. The Saturdays. The Dungu baby. The burps. The neh nehs. The cray crays. The ‘you ruin this for me’. The longing to see you. The cuddles. The Highs. The Lows. Me going cranky when i didn't get to see you for a while. Nothing mattered, right? One Second and poof!!
