Boo,
“Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons, you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready.” — Nayyirah Waheed
I think at the end of the day i have to accept that you made a choice. It was a choice of trust. I said something really bad and voila! It’s gone. I have to accept the fact that no matter what at the end of the day it was your choice and you have a right to it. I loved you and i love you and will love you forever. That is my choice. No matter what my intentions are but i can’t control the way you interpret those intentions. We all had our struggles and our different upbringing so i shouldn’t be sitting here blaming you. I need to understand your perspective and your reasoning for doing whatever that have happened. I can keep going back and forth between denial, bargain and acceptance but a day will come when i will just have to live with this. You are my love and nobody can take that thought away from me. I don’t have your physical form but a part of you will always exist with me. The memories i will cherish until my mind gives up.
I understand you boo. I accept your emotions and feelings around those days. You were not ready mentally to deal with whatever happened and i was not ready mentally to see my emotions. I was a mess. You had your own fair share of issues. I cannot rely on you to simply put me back together when you were breaking too. It wasn’t your fight. It wasn’t your responsibility. I am an adult and i am doing everything i can to better myself. This trauma can either make me the most bitter person or i learn and grow from this. I have a better understanding of humans now. I can read people. I see my mistakes and work on it every day. I am surprised at how an incident can change the entire perspective. I see the world in a different light now. I am not gullible. I don’t let people push me around. I am not waiting for my prince charming to come save me. Our lives are not linear where we can plan every next step and believe it will work out. This is not a fairy tale.
Even if it is a fairy tale then like in every fairy tale, there is a monster. Hero cannot be a hero unless he fights and conquers the monster to save the day. Without the monster, hero won’t be appreciated. The fairy tale won’t be complete unless there is a defining twist to justify the ending. This incident was my monster. Maybe in your life it is too. You are the hero of your own story and i hope you rise above. I am trying the same and will rise as my own hero.
