Boo,
I keep scrolling through instagram reading quotes about lost love and how I need to be strong if the love is not reciprocated. I listen to this podcast ‘Ten percent happier’ and learning so much about happiness, relationships, love, self-compassion, self care, meditation etc. It is a godsend. I wanted to share a particularly beautiful episode with you where this doctor was talking about how we make mistakes and project some other trauma on them sometimes. This is where we decide to either go with the mistake and keep maintaining that it’s not our fault or own up to it and apologize because the relationship matters more than the mistake. I started crying like a little child when I heard that. I keep on blaming and putting myself down for the fact that I did something so terrible. I keep forgetting that as a human I am bound to make a mistake. But the fact that I realized it and owned up to it had no effect on you. You boo, you deep down realized it that I don’t mean it. You said it yourself after that terrible day. You said you are trying. You did try in front of me. So you realized that my intentions were not wrong. You realized that I didn’t actually mean it. You realized that I do love you with all I got. What happened then? Family? Manipulation? Friends? Too much work to fight? Easier to let go the love of your life? Fake promises of never leaving no matter how treacherous the road gets? Yes treacherous, I learned that word from you. Remember you wrote a poem for me where you used that word.
I just wish like the way I owned up to my mistake of over reacting (don’t get mad now saying it was not just over reaction that it was much more scary than that, and you are right it was terrible) but was it the end of the world? Was it something that you would end an entire beautiful relationship over? You could have simply said that you want more time with me and don’t want to rush into marriage right now. You could have said let’s take some space and talk this out as adults. You could have simply talked to my father about this first since you were always like ‘he is so amazing’, ‘I always wanted a mentor like him’, ‘he is the father I wanted’ etc. Is that the reason you disrespected him like the way you did that day? I was the wrong one right? It was my entire fault right? I ruined everything right? How did you forget your manners then? Why did you behave like that with him? What did he do to you?
If I made a mistake then its time you face the fact that you did too. The way and disrespect you showed to my father and even me by not having the decency to tell me before was enough for me to never look back. You know why I still came back. Why I still tried. Because I know You. I know my boo was not in the right place that time. My boo can never do something like that in his senses. It was a bad or the worst day for my boo. He was so lost that he couldn’t see properly but that doesn’t mean I abandon him on his worst day. Boo you should have talked to me. You should have fought for me. This thing we are doing right now is wrong. We can conquer anything if you just hold my hand and ready to fight. It was not the end of the world but now we being apart and suffering is.
I just wish for once you actually believed when I used to say that we are on the same side boo and stood by me during this dark phase. We would have been so happy and perfect together. You used to say that I have big eyes. They are not big, they used to dilate when looking at you because our eyes dilate automatically when looking at the love of our life.
